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He was a young professor – about 24-25. I was in my final year of college – about 19-20. I remember developing an instant crush on him after hearing him sing during a competition as part of our college fest; he was the judge, but everyone had requested him to sing. He turned out to be a brilliant performer.
During that same fest, I’d taken part in a challenge where one had to pick a Hindi phrase from a movie and speak for a minute. Being a Kannadiga, my Hindi was terrible — apparently, I was fucking it up the entire time. When I pinged him appreciating his voice, he immediately remembered my performance and said it amused him. I don’t recall who sent whom the friend request on Facebook earlier, but I was surprised to learn he’d taken notice of me. One thing led to another, and soon, we were flirting. And for years, it remained just that. We only met up in person, alone after I graduated. But even then, we had to steer clear of any public place; we mostly spent time in his car and drove around.
Our not being able to meet openly wasn’t just because we were in a taboo relationship, but also because it all took place in a small town where all my relatives almost always knew about my whereabouts. Since word spread quickly there, I had to ensure I was never seen with him in public. Sometimes the longing didn’t feel worth it, and I wondered if I should have instead liked someone my own age; after all, it would’ve been easier to pass off a classmate as a friend even if we were caught spending time together.
It was mutually understood between us that we wouldn’t speak of our flirtatious banter to anyone and ensure it never gets disclosed. I come from an orthodox family that had very strict rules about relationships. So, I couldn’t randomly talk to him at home. He used to call me during twilight hours — when my mother was busy getting ready for her maghrib namaaz to overhear me — and I would stand on my front porch and talk to him. I never called him myself: he stayed in the college quarters and I was worried he might be around preferred professors and college staff. Instead, I always waited for him to call. When on campus, we would just steal glances in the corridor and parking lot.
